I can’t sleep. I slept in the afternoon. That’s why I don’t feel sleepy. I cleaned my laptop for the first time since I came to India. After I’m done with the outside of the laptop, I cleaned the inside of my laptop. I rearranged the file, I changed a new desktop background, I added some new gadgets to the desktop. Let’s see how it works then.
Class is going to start soon. The sooner it gets, the more restless I get. I can’t sit still, I need things to distract me. Blogging for instance, is the best thing to keep me busy. I sit at the desk, facing my laptop and my huge cork board. Wondering how it will transform after the next few days.
Different lecturers, different sitting position, different amount of work (it will only be more), different desk mates, different time table, different dissection table, everything different. I’m so afraid for a change. Sometimes change will be scary but sometimes, having a change is good. I’m so anxious. I’m so restless. I can’t stop thinking about 3rd block will be another disaster. 3rd block will be fine. I must remind myself. I hate it when people say that 3rd block is a scoring block. How do they know? How do they know how 3rd block will be treating me? Maybe I’ll strive to pass again during the 3rd block. Maybe my work will be piled up again. Maybe this time it will be worst because we need to revise block 1 and 2 together using block 3 and 4’s time. Ah… I don’t know. I don’t want to be a pessimist here. I’m positive, happy and cheerful. I’m a happy go lucking kinda girl, am I not?
But as we grow, reality will make you think whether you still can afford to be that happy go lucky girl. Reality will show you that the real world is not that nice to everyone although you are nice to everyone. When reality meets imaginary. That’s the thing I hate the most. It’s like a fight between angel and demon. Reality is always so cruel and crashes your hope down. Turning you all gloomy, sad and negative. I would like to have the courage to face reality. The reality that I’m too lazy. The reality that I love myself too much. The reality that I’m a grown up and I’m still not discipline enough to control myself. I am still not being able to differentiate what right and wrong; what I’m supposed to do and what not.
I’m worried about myself being like this. The worst part is that no one can help you except for yourself. You need to gain the strength to fight and strive for your own sake. I’m not a fighter; I’m a girl that did nothing! The biggest lesson for me to learn now is to fight. How to get things done. I would say to myself. Don’t think too much about PBL or SDL, just studied what you can. Just memorize what you can. And sleeping is the most important thing! Getting enough sleep is the first priority. Maybe other people will agree with it. But do you know that this phrase have been giving me reason to procrastinate, not being responsible on my studies?
I’ve been living those “just survive today and you are done” life. I don’t want that! I’m a medic student. And I can’t even say what urine contains in Post-hepatic jaundice. That sucks! I understand the concept but I just can’t say it out because I didn’t memorize. I didn’t even bother to make the effort to memorize. I always keep the memorizing last. And at last, I didn’t memorize them or I just memorize them last minute. It won’t register in my mind. Maybe it did register 5 minutes before exam. But it’s not enough. It’s never enough for a medic student. I’m going to be a doctor later. A doctor. An occupation that save lives or at least cure people and reduce their pain. And I’m here, doing nothing, didn’t even bother to read up and just playing games all the time. Why can’t I just stay up and study? Why can’t I utilize my time and read something? If I have a resolution, it will always start from tomorrow. What’s so special about tomorrow? Why not today? Man, I seriously need to whack myself and make me realize what am I doing during this half years time. Yea I learned new terms. But knowing terms is nothing. You need to know how to use those terms! It’s like knowing alphabets but not knowing how to form it into words. That’s exactly what my situation is now. I need water to cool me off.
Even general anatomy. I’m sick of reading anatomy for this holiday. I’ve started upper limb and now I haven’t finish studying upper limb. I hate to feel like it is taking forever! I hate it! I hate looking at the book and it seems to me like I will never able to finish reading it. I’m fighting with my inner demon now. Oh btw, it’s Monday tomorrow (I’m typing this in 1.44am, Sunday) And their breakfast is hash brown! That’s what keeps me going. The only thing that I like about Monday during the holidays. The hash browns. I’m feeling something weird about my stomach. I’m going to bed now. It’s getting late and I feel weird about my stomach. It’s like a warning to me, asking me to go to bed. So I’m gonna obey my biological clock. Good night.
Such a helpless and lame rant. I’m ranting about how helpless and clueless I am. Being here, studying medicine. What am I even doing here? I need to do this for my future patients. I don’t want to kill them. Good night again.
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